


Putting Yourself Back Together

by SilverScribe



Series: Changing Tides [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Roommates, Trauma, barn mates, lapidot - Freeform, talking it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-10 23:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe
Summary: Lapis finally begins to confront the demons that linger between herself and the Crystal Gems. Specifically Pearl.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again. While it's not strictly necessary to understand the main point of this work, Lapis confronting Pearl, there will be many references to [Two Gems and a Pumpkin](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8957008) throughout as it is the first fic in this series. I recommend it, it's a one shot and full of Lapidot goodness. :)
> 
> This is an issue I've been waiting for the show to tackle for a long time and I've finally run out of patience. So this fic, and series, were born. Just for clarity's sake this work takes place before the events of the "Wanted" arc in Steven Universe.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Lapis stretched leisurely in the late afternoon sun before laying down on the barn roof and tucking her arms under her chin. She was happy, she had been for awhile, and she still marveled at the emotion. She looked down at their yard from her perch and smiled as her eyes fell over the spot where the morp Peri had made during their snow day together once stood. She could still picture the sculpted versions of herself and Peridot below, snow Lapis hugging snow Peridot from behind. The image never failed to bring a smile to her face. Really the only thing that had kept their little snow family together for as long as it had lasted was Lapis' own willpower. But soon even that wasn't enough to combat the warming weather. They'd had to let the morp go. The only other option would have been for Lapis to spend every minute of the day consciously keeping the snow sculptures intact. Yeah, no thanks.

But that was okay, they had plenty of pictures and they'd always known this morp would be reliant on the Earth's erratic climate. She'd enjoyed it while it lasted. Besides, the real thing was better anyway she thought as she turned her gaze to Peridot. Dot was busy rummaging through their salvage pile. Occasionally she'd have to stop and move Veggie out of the way, who continually tried to burrow into the cluttered mess while she worked. Still Peri never lost her patience, calmly plucking him from the heap over and over again.

Lapis knew Peridot was looking for ways to improve her guard drones. It had become a particular obsession since this morning when one had flown into their barn with sirens blaring before promptly bursting into flame. Thankfully Lapis was able to extinguish it before anything got out of hand, although it wasn't a very fun way to wake up. She'd fallen out of her hammock.

Peridot had been less than pleased, she spent nearly an hour after ranting about the “Trials of working with primitive technology!” before Lapis shushed her with a kiss. She loved doing that. Since their first kiss in the snow it had become a very common practice between them and a sure way to calm Peridot down. And make her blush furiously. Lapis found herself so lost in thoughts of kisses that she didn't notice that Peridot was trying to get her attention from down below.

Not until she was hovering on a garbage lid at eye level with her.

“Lapis? Didn't you hear me calling you?” Peridot asked.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about stuff,” Lapis replied, the hints of a mischievous grin blooming across her azure features.

“What were you so single-mindedly focused on if I may inquire?”

“This,” Lapis answered as she leaned out over the edge of the roof and planted a light peck on Peridot's lips. Peridot's face flushed ever so slightly teal and her garbage lid wavered a little, but otherwise she held her composure. Lapis just grinned.

“I wish you'd stop doing that,” Peridot grumbled.

“No you don't.” Lapis answered with a snort and a playful bop to Peridot's nose. “Now, what can I do for you my adorable barn mate?”

Peridot sighed and rolled her eyes, but she also smiled. “I was inquiring as to whether you'd like to watch Camp Pining Hearts together.”

“Giving up on upgrading your flying time bombs already?” Lapis teased.

“No. But I could use a period of recreational activity to gather myself. The process is...trying my patience. I was hoping you'd join me?” Peridot replied.

“You just want to cuddle,” Lapis said as she stood up and spread her wings before descending down towards their truck turned TV den.

“Yes. That too,” Peridot agreed as she followed.

* * *

Several hours later, the sun long gone behind the tree dotted horizon, found Lapis and Peridot most of the way through Peri's favorite season of Camp Pining Hearts. Lapis didn't much care for it, season four was pretty hit-or-miss in her opinion, but she was happy enough to watch. It meant Peridot was sitting in her lap, it meant she could wrap her arms around her and bury her face in her floofy hair. Peridot was completely engrossed in the current episode. Lapis could tell when a part particularly excited her because the fingers currently entwined with her own would tense. It was adorable.

Still, Lapis found her eyes and mind wandering as she idly rubbed her thumb over the back of her barn mate's hand. A certain empty space that she'd grown accustomed to being occupied by a red ship caught her notice.

The space where the Ruby ship had sat.

Lapis snuggled closer against Peridot as uncomfortable memories of that experience resurfaced. Peridot let out a contented sigh in response but remained enraptured by the softly glowing television. Percy and Paulette were arguing about something from what Lapis gathered, but her thoughts were elsewhere. In particular with the Ruby that Steven had dubbed Navy. She remembered how...upset she'd been at the new arrival. Things were going so well for her and Peridot, just the two of them and Veggie alone in their little barn with their morps and their shows and their kisses. She hadn't wanted to take Navy in, she hadn't trusted her. But then Steven had pointed out how much Navy was like the two of them when they first came to Earth. And then her adorable Dot had said how great the two of them would be at helping Navy adjust with all that they'd learned together.

Steven and Peridot _both_ trying to convince her? Of course she caved.

And then things had really started to get bad.

Navy had taken to life on Earth so _easily_. She'd loved everything, enjoyed everything, effortlessly mastered concepts that had taken Lapis _months_ to accept and grow comfortable with. It had been infuriating, it had been unbelievable.

It had been terrifying.

Navy had made Lapis feel so...so _wrong_. So broken... When the Ruby's deception had finally been revealed a wave of pure relief had washed over her. She'd been right. None of it had been real, it was all just a trick so Navy could reach her own ends. Lapis had been so happy to realize...to realize that she wasn't as broken as she thought she was. Lapis let out a sigh and leaned her face further into Peridot's hair, taking in the soft, comforting smell of her companion. She'd made a lot of progress since she came to live at the barn and most of it was thanks to the gem sitting in her lap. She wasn't sure where she'd be without Peridot.

Still, there were some unresolved issues that continued to gnaw at her. Progress that still needed to be made. But Lapis didn't want to dwell on that at the moment. She turned her eyes towards the television and tried to lose herself in her favorite show, lackluster season or not, and just be content with how far she'd come. Percy and Paulette were still arguing when a particular line struck Lapis right in the gut.

“I can't just let it go Paulette. I have to confront him, get some kind of closure, if I'm ever going to completely move on. If we're ever really going to be friends.”

 

“ _Can't just let it go.”_

“ _Closure.”_

“ _Move on.”_

 

Lapis stiffened as the words echoed through her mind. They seemed to oddly coincide with what she'd just been trying to suppress. She very nearly spread her wings out of reflex and sought the barn roof, a place where she had often retreated early on in her relationship with Peridot. For whatever reason a line she'd heard at least a dozen times before now threatened to tear down the barriers she'd built up around this issue for so long. Her breathing sped up and she buried her face fully in Peridot's hair as she tried to regain control of herself. Tried not to let her emotions overwhelm her.

“Correct Percy! Don't listen to Paulette! You must undertake whatever trials are necessary to repair your relationship with Pierre so that you two may conquer the camp as the superior pair that you are!” Peridot cried out suddenly, raising both arms over her head in her excitement. Lapis jumped at the gesture, lifting her face out of the smaller gem's hair in shock. She tried to steady herself but she couldn't stop several shudders traveling through her form.

Peridot noticed.

All the enthusiasm and unbound excitement drained from Peridot's body as she twisted around in Lapis' lap to look up at her. Her eyes wide and full of concern, her hands held uncertainly out in front of her. Lapis was torn between embarrassment for causing Dot to worry and endearment from how adorable she looked, all while trying to stave off a panic attack.

“Lapis, what's wrong? Are you okay?” Peridot asked softly, calmly. Careful not to be too loud or make any more movements that might startle Lapis. She knew her so well.

“What? I'm fine. The only thing that's wrong here is how cute you are P-pod,” Lapis deflected as she took a shaky breath and forced a smile across her face. She was okay. She was in control. This was silly, she'd moved past this. She'd made _jokes_ about this.

“Lapis...don't do that. I'm here, you can talk to me,” Peridot replied, slowly reaching out and taking Lapis' hands in her own. Oh geez. Lapis wasn't getting out of this one. If the word “cute” didn't raise at least an annoyed huff from Dot then she knew she was serious. With a defeated sigh Lapis gave in, maybe talking about it would help. Avoiding it certainly hadn't.

“It's Pearl,” Lapis said weakly, leaning her forehead against Peridot's and gently squeezing her hands in her own.

“Pearl? What about Pearl?” Peridot responded in a confused tone as she searched Lapis' downturned eyes.

“Pearl and...” Lapis trailed off into a deep breath before finishing her sentence in a hushed rush. “Pearl and the mirror. I've been thinking about it and Percy and Paulette's argument kinda cracked the walls I've been building up around it for whatever reason. I think...I think maybe I've been avoiding it for too long.”

“Oh,” Peridot replied in a thoughtful tone, her brow scrunched up in that adorable way that Lapis had come to know as her “thinking face”. “You're not upset with the others? Are they not equally responsible?”

The question caught Lapis somewhat off guard and she leaned back away from Peridot as she looked down into her eyes and processed it. “I...I don't blame Amethyst. I don't think she had any idea I was in there. Garnet certainly holds some responsibility, but Pearl... Pearl is the one who _found_ me. Pearl is the one who kept me trapped inside her gem for millennia. I haven't been...I just can't move past that,” Lapis replied in a taut voice, now staring straight down at her bunched skirt.

But then Peridot's hands came up to either side of Lapis' face and gently lifted it up to look at her. “Then you should talk to her,” she said simply.

“What? No. I can't do that now. Not after things have settled down. It would upset Steven and—”

“Lapis. Perhaps the most valuable lesson I've learned from Steven since coming to Earth is that communication is important. Keeping it all inside isn't healthy. For you or Pearl. It's obvious,” Peridot interrupted in a sure, calm voice as she rubbed soothing circles with her thumbs over Lapis' cheeks.

“Obvious?”

“Yes, I've made some observations of the interactions between yourself and Pearl. Or lack thereof. Your relationship could be accurately described as polite avoidance. During the baseball game against the rubies for instance. Despite being on the same team, you two did not initiate any communication between each other.”

“To be fair Peri that was awhile ago and I kinda thought the whole thing was dumb. I went along with it for Steven.”

“Yes. It was certainly unorthodox... But the point is you were both obviously uncomfortable with each other. Pearl likely just as much as you. If not more so.”

“What? Why would she be more uncomfortable than me?” Lapis asked clasping her palm over one of the hands Peridot still held against her cheek and raising an eyebrow.

“Because. I believe Pearl feels some measure of guilt and responsibility for your emotional trauma in regards to the mirror. Further evidence to support this theory arose during the human consumption ritual we partook of with Andy,” Peridot replied as she leaned back from Lapis and raised her right index finger before her while taking on a lecturing tone. “Your excellent witticism contrasting the corn and table with your own past experiences failed to elicit a humorous response from Pearl. On the contrary it seemed to distress her.”

“I...I guess I didn't notice,” Lapis said awkwardly as she thought back.

“So you should talk to her Lapis!” Peridot said once again,dropping her lecturing tone and throwing her arms up with an enthusiastic grin.

“You're so cute,” Lapis snorted, booping Peridot on the nose.

“I am not cute! I am an intimidating and highly skilled gem!” Peridot huffed, but Lapis could tell her heart wasn't in it.

“You're right, how could the fierce Peri-dactyl be cute!” Lapis exclaimed as she pulled Peridot in close and promptly blew a raspberry against the side of her neck.

“La-Lapis! Stop! I-I can't breathe!” Peridot laughed hysterically as she squirmed in Lapis' grip. Lapis had discovered not long after their first kiss how terribly ticklish Peridot was. She took every opportunity to exploit that fact.

“You're a gem, you don't need to breathe,” Lapis purred against Peridot's neck before she finally relented and pulled away.

“I regret ever encouraging your friendship with Amethyst,” Peridot gasped as she caught an unneeded breath. “I did not account for you two trading nicknames for me.”

“Awww don't be that way Periwinkle, it's all said with love. And Amethyst is really good at thinking them up,” Lapis chirped as she stood up in the truck and disentangled herself from her barn mate.

“So...Are you going to speak with Pearl?”

“Yeah. I think I am,” Lapis answered as she turned her gaze towards the Temple in the distance. The moon was nearly full tonight and the white stone of the structure shone with a soft, ethereal glow.

“Tonight?” Peridot said as she stood and followed Lapis' gaze.

“Probably best. I didn't realize it was still eating at me like this. I should go before I lose my nerve.”

“Do you want me to accompany you?” Peridot offered, reaching out to grasp Lapis' hand.

“Nah. Someone has to keep an eye on Lil Veggie,” Lapis said affectionately, glancing down at the small pumpkin snuggled up at their feet. “Besides... I think I need to do this alone.”

“Okay,” Peridot responded, giving Lapis' hand a supportive squeeze. “But promise me you'll refrain from drowning the Temple in a tidal wave. Steven would be sad and it would be counterproductive to your goal of achieving closure.”

Lapis broke into a snort filled bout of giggles at that remark before finally recovering herself. “I promise Peri. Scouts honor,” Lapis said as she leaned down and planted a soft kiss over Peridot's gemstone.

“Excellent. I believe while it may be uncomfortable this conversation will be beneficial for the both of you. Good luck.”

“Thanks,” Lapis said softly as she spread her wings into the moonlight. They glittered and danced as she flexed them in preparation for takeoff. “And don't start season five without me, I wanna trash talk it together.”

“Affirmative,” Peridot said with a wave as Lapis hopped into the air.

And with that she was soaring out into the night sky over the small expanse of land and sea that separated the barn from the Crystal Temple and the glittering lights of Beach City. Flying off to tackle one more obstacle in her way. One more challenge to be met.

One more stop on her journey to become whole again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this fic is about Lapis dealing with her emotional trauma and confronting Pearl. >_> It just needed a chapter of set up first...and Lapidot fluff...
> 
> Don't judge me!
> 
> Speaking of Lapidot fluff... If you would like some to tide you over while you wait for the next chapter of this work might I recommend [Matching Earrings](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11512677)? :) It's just some quick human au fluffy goodness. 
> 
> *end shameless plug*
> 
> Next chapter is when the big conflict will happen. It's mostly complete so it shouldn't be too long. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Thoughts and comments are most welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back, with the actual Pearl/Lapis confrontation this time too! This took a bit longer than I anticipated but it's also a fairly long chapter. Hope you enjoy!

The beach house seemed quite as Lapis landed on the sand just in front of the steps leading up to the door. No lights were on inside. Steven was probably sleeping at this hour and the gems were probably in the Temple. Maybe this wasn't the best time... Maybe she should try again later...

No.

No she had to do this now while she still had the courage to face it. She'd find Pearl somehow. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, relaxing her body, wiggling her toes in the still warm sand and reveling in the sensation of the grains shifting around her bare feet. When she opened her eyes she was ready. She took the first step up the stairs and didn't stop until she was standing in front of the screen door. Before she could even raise her hand to knock the door swung open. Lapis jumped slightly in surprise. Then she realized who was standing in the doorway.

Garnet.

She stood there impassively, expression impossible to read behind the moonlit shades hiding her eyes. “Hello Lapis,” she said in her rich, calming voice.

“Uh...Hi,” Lapis said awkwardly, one hand reaching up to grab her shoulder. While Lapis had certainly interacted more with Garnet than Pearl, all friendly interactions too excluding their first couple encounters, she still wasn't quite sure how to act around the fusion. Especially alone.

“Steven showed us the morp you and Peridot made awhile ago. The snow sculptures of all of us. I've been meaning to mention it. Shame they melted before we could see them in person. They were lovely,” Garnet intoned, stepping outside and moving to lean against the porch railing as she spoke.

“Oh. Glad you liked it. It was mostly Peridot,” Lapis replied, moving to stand next to the fusion and trying to find an opening to ask about Pearl.

“I liked the version with the kiss better,” Garnet replied with a grin, reaching up to pull her shades down and give Lapis a wink.

Lapis stood stunned for a moment. Then she snorted and shook her head. She shouldn't be surprised. This was Garnet. “I did too, but I think Peri would have dissipated her form out of embarrassment if anyone else found out. So maybe keep this between us for now?” Lapis said with a wide smile, the tension finally draining from her. “Although Amethyst would have a field day teasing Dot about it, which would be fun to watch,” she added as an afterthought.

“I'll keep the secret, but it won't be a secret forever,” Garnet replied, leaning back further against the railing and looking up at the stars with a smile. “You two are good for each other.”

“Thanks,” Lapis said, leaning back and looking up at the night sky herself. “Although it's more like she's good for me.” A shooting star flared briefly across the sky above the Temple's head and she grinned. Lapis hoped Peridot had seen it, they'd spent many nights gazing for them. For awhile they both just stood there appreciating the heavens until Lapis finally remembered the reason she'd come in the first place. She turned to Garnet to ask about Pearl but before she could say anything...

“Pearl is on the slope behind the Temple. Stargazing,” the fusion announced, never taking her eyes off the glittering dome above.

Lapis stared at her for a moment, mouth still half open to voice her already answered question. Future vision, she thought in exasperation as she blew her cerulean bangs out of her eyes. “Thanks again. Guess I'll be going then,” she replied as she spread her wings. She was about to take off when Garnet's hand on her forearm stopped her. She turned to look at the fusion and found herself staring into three multicolored eyes. All full of...regret?

“Lapis. I know you need to settle this with Pearl but for what's it's worth I'm sorry. I should have _seen_ something in regards to the mirror but I...I never thought to look. We didn't know you were awake in there,” Garnet murmured, releasing Lapis' arm and stepping back as she did.

Lapis stood there for a few more moments, head down and hair hiding her eyes as she took in what Garnet had said. Tried to tame the emotions it evoked.

 

“ _Steven. It's just a mirror. A tool. It can't_ _ **want**_ _anything.”_

 

Garnet's words from what seemed like a lifetime ago rang through her mind and her whole body trembled at the memory. She knew things were different now, better, but in the end she couldn't find any words for the fusion. With a powerful downward stroke of her wings she launched herself into the night sky and spiraled around the side of the Temple to find Pearl.

One battle at a time.

Three somber eyes followed her progress until she was out of sight. Then Garnet walked back into the beach house.

* * *

Lapis circled in tight, anxious arcs above the rear of the Temple as she scanned the grassy slope below for the pale, lithe form of Pearl. It didn't take long to spot her. She sat about midway up the bluff, legs tucked against her chest and arms wrapped around her knees, as she stared up at the stars. Lapis hovered for a few moments, fighting down a wave of panic that compelled her to simply turn and soar away as fast as possible. Back to the barn. Back to Peridot. Back to comfortable avoidance of her problems.

Then Pearl spotted her.

The near full moon almost seemed to make the slender, white gem glow as she stood and looked towards Lapis. After a few tense moments Pearl raised a hand and gave Lapis an awkward wave before suddenly taking an intense interest in her feet.

Lapis took a deep, slow breath.

She could do this.

She _had_ to do this.

She collapsed her wings and plummeted towards her target. She landed somewhat heavily on the cool grass in front of Pearl, a loud _thunk_ punctuating her arrival. The tall gem jumped slightly at her abrupt entrance but otherwise seemed to hold her composure. Lapis simply stared at her, trying to figure out where to start with all this.

“Hello Lapis. I—”

“You don't seem surprised to see me,” Lapis interrupted flatly. The earlier panic rising in her chest fast sinking and turning to hot anger in her stomach.

“Garnet told me I might receive a visitor tonight and I've been expecting something like this for awhile now. I'm surprised you didn't seek me out before now honestly,” Pearl answered in a quiet voice, giving Lapis a shaky smile that threatened to turn into a worried frown at any moment.

“Sorry I wasn't prompt enough for your tastes,” Lapis grated.

“I didn't mean—”

“ _Why?!_ ”

“Lapis I—”

“Do you have any idea what it's like to spend thousands of years without your freedom? To be treated like nothing more than an easily discarded trinket? A tool!” Lapis screamed, fists clenched at her sides, her face just inches away from Pearl's. Over the ridge a low roar could be heard as the previously gentle waves rose up and crashed violently against the beach. Through it all Pearl just stood there, her expression shifting from shock to bitter resignation.

“Yes. Yes I think I might understand that better than most,” Pearl answered softly.

Lapis took an unconscious step back at those words. At being reminded of just what type of gem she was screaming at.

“Then...why? Why did you do that to me Pearl? Why did you all keep me locked away like I didn't even matter? Like I wasn't a person stuck in there...” she asked in a low, harsh tone while crossing her arms defensively over her chest.

“Because we were afraid. I know that's no excuse but please try to understand Lapis. We didn't know who you were but we knew you weren't a Crystal Gem. You were a lapis lazuli on a planet brimming with _water_ and we were so few after...after what the Diamonds did to us.” Pearl pleaded, her voice catching at the end before she visibly mastered herself and continued. “You held enough power to wipe out most life on this world at a whim. We didn't know if we'd be able to stop you without losing someone and we'd already lost so, so many.”

Lapis tried to calm down, tried to see things from Pearl's viewpoint. Tried to think of what Steven would say. To think of the good. She wasn't as raw as when she'd first been freed from the mirror. She understood more about what had happened now. But Pearl's explanation wasn't good enough. Not for all the time she'd lost. “So you just decided to keep me prisoner inside your gem for all eternity, to keep me around as a useful tool because...because I was too _strong_?” Lapis said incredulously. In the background the ocean roared louder, seeming to mirror the outrage and anger in Lapis' voice.

“Can you honestly blame us?” Pearl said, conviction returning to her voice as she stared into Lapis' anguished eyes. And for a moment Lapis was very tempted to drown the entire area and Pearl in a raging maelstrom of water. But she'd made Peridot a promise and before she could contemplate it further Pearl continued.

“Do you remember the havoc you caused when Steven first set you free? With a _cracked_ gem you were able to take control of all the Earth's oceans. You created hydrokinetic copies of us that we could barely stand up to in combat. You hurt Greg and nearly _killed_ Steven and Connie.”

“I didn't mean...I didn't know about needing to breath then...they were just supposed to be timeout bubbles...” Lapis retorted weakly, some of her anger superseded by regret. She'd joked about the incident before, her quip about almost drowning a lot of people when she'd first met Connie came to mind, but ever since Steven had explained to her what she could have done to the planet and the people...

“If Steven hadn't talked you down I'm not sure what we would have done. There's a reason the Diamonds restrict lapis lazuli to terraforming and strictly discourage them from weaponizing their abilities,” Pearl said, her tone and eyes softening as she looked on at a more subdued Lapis.

Lapis didn't really have a response to that. She just stood there with her arms wrapped around herself. The near constant roar of the ocean subsided as she crouched down in the grass, wrapping her arms around her legs and burying her face in her knees. She wanted to say she'd never meant to hurt anyone. That at the time she'd just wanted to go home. And she'd been _so_ angry. What Pearl was saying didn't change how she felt about what had happened to her, but she couldn't deny that it made sense. “I guess...I guess I can see your point,” she finally managed to mumble out.

“Lapis I'm not trying to turn the blame around on you. You had... you _have_ every right to be furious with us,” Pearl murmured as she took a seat beside her. “I can't imagine what you went through during all those centuries trapped in the mirror. We had no idea you were still conscious. I promise if we knew we would have...we would have done something.”

“If you'd just freed me when you first found me none of that would have happened,” Lapis whispered, her voice just barely audible as she struggled with the whirling chaos that washer feelings.

“Perhaps. But we didn't have the courage to try. The war...for a long time the end of the war broke something in us,” Pearl replied, staring straight ahead with a glassy, far off look in her sky blue eyes.

 

_“The war...”_

 

It was a simple phrase and it'd basically been the backdrop for their entire confrontation tonight. But something about hearing it said out loud... Something within the spiraling vortex of her mind snapped.

And she was _there_ again.

 

_War cries and shrieks of pain echoed all around her as she stumbled through the chaotic battlefield. Everywhere she turned there was carnage. Gems fighting. Weapons clashing. Smoke filled the air, swirling around her and stinging her eyes as she tried to make her way behind the Homeworld line. Shattered debris and broken weapons crunched under her bare feet as she walked. At least she hoped that's what it was, she was too afraid to look. She wasn't supposed to **be** here. She wasn't meant for fighting. _

_A squad of jaspers charged past her as she pushed on. She spared them a glance as they ran. They'd keep her safe. An explosion erupted not far behind her then and she clamped her hands over her ears at the roar. Not to far away from her she saw another jasper lose her physical form. Then the ground shuddered again as a hulking gem landed behind her. It was a rebel bismuth and the anger and hatred Lapis saw in her eyes as she bore down on her nearly petrified her. The bismuth cocked a massive fist back and in a panic Lapis spread her wings. She had to get away. Had to escape._

_A crushing, searing agony exploded in her lower back and rapidly spread through her entire form. She'd never known such pain in her entire existence. And then she was gone..._

 

_“_ Havetogetawayhavetogetawayhavetogetawayhavetogetawayhavetogetaway,” Lapis babbled as she rocked back and forth on the grassy hillside, hands clutching the side of her head. Someone was holding her shoulders. Shaking her. Restraining her. Trapping her. Wings burst from her back as she lost it and tried to stand up. But the hands on her shoulders wouldn't let her rise. She was about to lash out when...

“Lapis! Lapis it's okay! You're okay!”

It was Pearl. The slender gem was crouched in front of her, a hand on each of her shoulders, distressed eyes searching her face with...with concern. And then Lapis came back to herself. Came back to the nighttime bluff by the sea. To the salty air and gentle breeze and bright moonlight. This wasn't a battlefield. She was okay. With a sigh she relaxed and Pearl released her shoulders. Then Lapis rolled onto her back in the grass and stared up into the night sky. She hadn't had an attack like that in a long time...

“Lapis...Are you all right?” Pearl asked tentatively as she moved to lay down beside Lapis. Her voice was full of worry and the way she kept stealing glances at her and fidgeting with her hands as they both lay there actually reminded Lapis of Peridot somewhat.

Early on Peri had always gotten like that whenever Lapis had...an episode. She let out another deep sigh and nearly laughed. She'd had a panic attack, the first full blown one in a long while, by all reason this should be a terrible night. But she also felt better after getting all that out. And seeing Pearl genuinely concerned for her well-being... Well, it didn't erase all the feelings she'd come to this hilltop with tonight. It didn't suddenly make them best friends. But it was a start.

“Yeah. I'm fine. It was just...bad memories,” Lapis answered as she turned to meet Pearl's gaze with a smile.

“About the war?” Pearl asked gently.

“Yeah. It's stupid. I know.”

“No. It isn't,” Pearl said firmly. “Sometimes...sometimes I still get like that too. We all lost something in the war. No matter the side.”

“Yeah...yeah I guess so. Thanks,” Lapis whispered after a few moments, turning away from Pearl to look up at the stars. The two of them lay there for awhile in silence just taking in the night around them. Lapis was feeling mostly back to herself now and simply relished in the tranquility.

“The stars are beautiful tonight,” Pearl said after a time in a wistful tone. “I miss them sometimes.”

“Yeah, me too. But there's a lot of beauty on the Earth. I didn't see it at first, but there really is,” Lapis replied.

“Yes. Yes there most certainly is,” Pearl answered with a clear, happy laugh that filled the late night air.

And Lapis laughed with her.

* * *

The stars above were beginning to fade and the strip of sky that touched the ocean was showing a pale blue when Lapis made her way back to the barn. She found Peridot exactly where she'd left her, curled up in their little television truck balcony. The small gem looked up from the tablet she'd been engrossed in as Lapis flared her wings and slowly descended. As she landed next to Peridot Lapis caught a glimpse of what was on the gently glowing screen. A beautiful deep blue bowl, spider-webbed with veins of gold in seemingly random, jagged patterns. They almost looked like cracks. Lapis was about to ask about it but Peridot jumped up as soon as her feet touched down.

“Lapis! Are you...is everything okay?”

“I'm fine Peri.”

“Are you certain? I observed some unusually turbulent waves near the Temple earlier...”

“Yeah...things between me and Pearl got a little heated,” Lapis said sheepishly as she sat, pulling Peridot down with her. After the night she'd had she wanted to snuggle.

“Oh my stars! You didn't dissipate Pearl did you?!” Peridot yelped, turning around in Lapis' lap to look anxiously into her eyes.

“What? No Dot. Pearl's fine. Everything's fine,” Lapis laughed as she pulled her adorable barn mate in for a hug.

“So you and Pearl...you're fine?” Peridot mumbled against Lapis' chest as she returned the embrace.

“We're...better,” Lapis answered softly, a slight smile gracing her lips.

Peridot didn't press her any further, for which Lapis was grateful. Her companion knew when she needed time to process things. She never tried to force issues. They sat there for a time simply enjoying each other's presence and touch as the sky continued to lighten. Lapis humming softly, with her chin buried in Peridot's hair. She noticed the title card for the first episode of Camp Pining Hearts season five paused on the television screen. Just the sight of it made her roll her eyes. She was glad Peri had waited up for her, chewing out the season together was always a lot of fun. Dot had retrieved her tablet and was eagerly reading from it again. Lapis glanced down and saw the same picture from before.

“What is that Peri?” Lapis asked as she studied the gold veined blue bowl over Peridot's head. There was a small blurb just above the picture. “Kintsugi?”

“Meep Morp research Lapis!” Peridot replied enthusiastically. “Kintsugi is a form originating from a group of humans native to the island of Japan.” Peridot continued, adopting her familiar lecturing tone.

“What's it about?” Lapis asked with a grin, she loved listening to Dot talk about things that excited her.

“Well in practice it's the repair of damaged ceramics with lacquer that has been mixed with a powdered precious metal, usually gold, to accent the damage in an aesthetically pleasing way,” Peridot replied. “But it's also a sort of life philosophy for some humans as well. The thinking being that one shouldn't try to hide their scars or flaws, but embrace them. That they showcase a person's journey through life rather than rendering them damaged or without worth. That something is more beautiful for having been broken. It's fascinating really.”

Lapis looked on thoughtfully as Peridot scrolled through several more examples of the style, talking excitedly about trying it with their own morps. It was certainly an interesting concept. Nothing a gem would have ever come up with. On Homeworld damaged things...damaged gems were usually discarded and replaced. But maybe something...maybe someone could be more beautiful after they were pieced back together.

It was a nice thought Lapis mused as she snuggled closer around Peridot.

It was a hopeful thought.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And done. Here's the [wikipedia article](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi) on Kintsugi if any of you find yourselves interested. I feel like the concept and the philosophy of the art form really suits Lapis and what her character is going through in canon.
> 
> This fic is just my take on how a Lapis/Pearl confrontation would go down. I am endlessly frustrated that the show hasn't resolved this issue itself yet. All the raw emotion Lapis had in regards to the Crystal Gems when she was first freed didn't just vanish. Here's hoping one day canon tackles this in a manner far better than I could ever dream up. :)
> 
> Well, hope you enjoyed. Comments, critique and feedback are always welcome. 
> 
> Until next time!


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